It was so hard saying goodbye to my grandpa last night… Telling him it was okay to let go. We sat around his bed until midnight, singing and playing him songs he wanted to be played when he was gone. He’s still here though, and we might have to repeat it all again tonight.
Such a strange time…

So many things to look forward to in June. I’m going to Vegas for 4 days, during my 2 week vacation. I can’t wait! I haven’t even been out of this city in a year… But this means I need to get my butt in gear and work towards feeling ok in a bikini. Though I can finally button my work pants now, so there’s some progress. It’s the little things. Ok, not like I’m that big or anything, but I was way smaller when I bought these pants 5 years ago. Which by the way, I’m amazed at how long these pants have lasted me. They look brand new and I wear them allll the time. I guess buying a more ‘expensive’ brand does pay off in the long run. Anyway…. Then there’s my birthday on the 15th, and then working with some awesome kids at a summer camp.
Yay! Should be a really fantastic summer :)

So, tonight should be an interesting night. I’m volunteering at a prom that is held for cancer patients. Basically, if they missed their schools prom because they were in treatment or sick or whatever the reason they get to attend this one. They provide dresses and do their hair and makeup and everything. I’m a little nervous, since I don’t know what to expect, but I have no doubt it will be a wonderful humbling experience.
I do a lot of volunteering, and I honestly believe it’s one of the best things a person can do. I wish I could say I do it for purely altruistic reasons, but there is a part of me that feels good from the work I do. But is that a bad thing?
I don’t think so.

I saw my grandpa this morning, and while I knew this day was coming, seeing him so sick was really difficult. We all just stood around his bed (he was sleeping), and just watched him. I don’t think any of us knew what to do. My younger sister started crying, and my older sister comforted her. I wanted to cry, but I just couldn’t let myself. Not yet anyway. We just stood there, watching him breathe. His breathing was really irregular. I kept watching his chest to see if it would start rising again, which it would after several moments. We should bring him photos, so he can have some reminders of his family around him. This is tough. I wonder if he will even be here for Easter…

My grandfather’s in the hospital again. Each time I wonder if this will be the last time. It’s a strange feeling, going from wanting him to be here, yet not wanting him to suffer. He’s not the same as he once was, so it’s almost like we’ve already said goodbye….

I had a date night with Kyle last night. We went to a comedy club, which was very funny really. It should have been a wonderful night. But it happened to land on the one night this month, just like every month there is this one day, where I feel so cranky, and irritated and just everything annoys me. My static-y hair, my too long nails, my clothes, my glasses, everything everyone says, the lights that are too bright, Kyles voice that’s too loud, everything… And it ends in me being in tears, and frustration, and a lot of silence. Then I just feel bad about the whole thing, and that upsets me even more. I hate hormones, I really do. One day isn’t so bad, but I should probably just be alone that day. Oh the things I wish I could undo…

Luckily today’s a new day, and Kyle still loves me (seriously, he has some immense patience) and all is well.

Today I went to another interview type meeting for the internship I’m starting next week… I feel like I’m so inadequate, and I’m going in to this completely blind and unsure. But I’m excited to learn. Everyone has to start somewhere, and I can’t help but think this is my real start. To something completely foreign and exciting and life changing. I can’t wait to see where this takes me.

My night last night was… interesting. I got called a bitch for the first time in my life. So that was awesome. But it was a drunk, creepy, random Canadian guy, so I didn’t give it much thought. FYI, just because someone (like me) is quiet and reserved doesn’t mean they think they’re better than you, or that they are unfriendly. If someone talks to me, I’m more than happy to talk to them. And I was last night! I made it a point to be more open and talkative, but apparently that didn’t even work… But I stood up for myself, and I realized that I am happy with myself, quietness and all. I had a bit of a breakdown (on New Years Eve actually) about this very subject. I get told all the time how quiet I am. I get told that I should talk more. People want to know why, like I do it on purpose, or that I’m hiding my true self. I realize being around someone who isn’t talkative can be uncomfortable and odd, but why should have have to change my personality for other peoples comfort?
I shouldn’t, and last night I realized this. I had a really good time, and that’s what really mattered. People should just realize there are different personalities in the world, and not all of them are loud and outgoing.
Just had to put that out there :)

I haven’t posted in a while… I think?
No real good reason, just busier.
Can’t wait to graduate Dec. 16th !
I have Saturdays off now, which is weird. I haven’t consistently had a weekend day off for years now.
I bought a new phone, still no smart phone for me. It seems unnecessary…
Ran 2.5 miles yesterday. I still feel sore and weak.
That’s about it. I know, suuuuper exciting.

:]

I went to the gym last night to run, and you know what? The whole time I was there not one worry popped up in my head. My mind was just focused on the movement of my body (and watching other people of course, because I can’t help it).
It was great. One more great reason to go to the gym :)

I need to eat better.  But I’m stuck between eating really cheaply and eating healthy. Blah.